Do you often try to solve problems for your friends and family? Are you wasting your time, resources, and energy offering help and advice to others?
If so, Yasin Bojan wants you to slow down, pay attention to your work, and consider how it affects your mental health. “If you're constantly intervening, you might end up with nothing to give when difficult situations arise.”
Bojan, co-founder of the UK-based Home Girls Unite, believes that women from marginalized communities, especially eldest daughters in immigrant families, are the ones who are most responsible.
Since the project began in 2018, her organization has supported more than 10,000 first-born daughters. Bojan said these women often feel like they have to fix other people's lives. They have become the go-to person for, for example, running errands for their parents, lending money to siblings, and counseling a friend who has broken up with them. It comes not from meddling, but from a sense of duty to loved ones. However, it can leave them feeling burnt out and overwhelmed.
That's why sometimes it's best to stay in your lane, Bojan says. Here's the advice she gives to the women in her support group:
When to take care of yourself
In some cases, it's okay to get involved in other people's problems. You do it because they want your help and because you care. But think again…
- If you feel like you are being taken advantage of. If you feel like your loved one feels entitled to your time and energy, Bojan says it means your boundaries aren't being respected. People might think, “If you're always going out of your way to make everyone's life easier, if she's going to do it, why should I?”
- Where you may miss out on learning opportunities. Suppose your younger brother is also looking for a job. Instead of sending him job offers as usual, let him take the lead. “It's not in their interest to be there all the time and try to solve everything,” Bojan says. “What will happen without you? How will they learn?” [if you] Will you always do something for them? ”
- If that's an ego boost. Some people like the status that comes with being a fixer, Bojan said. They think with me, “I'll help this person and they'll be happy.'' Helping people because you think it will make you look good is not a reason to get involved.
- If they are adults. Adults should be able to solve problems on their own without the help of others, Bojan says. If two friends are fighting, keep it between them.
How to take care of your business
If you tend to get caught up in other people's drama, Bojang has some tips to help you get out of it.
- Reduce your own availability. Use your phone's “do not disturb” feature to let your contacts know you're not around to chat, Bojan says. This may protect your time by discouraging people from making urgent requests like, “I need some advice, please call me now.”
- Set boundaries. Suppose your mother wants you to run an errand after work. It's okay to say, “No, I can't. I need more notice because you don't know what my plans are,” Bojan says. Teach those around you to respect your time. And so will they. Ms. Bojan tried this with her mother, and she says, “Her mother got better at making me aware.”
- Please help me find someone more suitable. Reduce the list of people who can help you and direct them to people with more expertise and authority. For example, if your dad always comes to you with problems with her IT, send it to your cousin who is a technology whiz or take him to his computer shop. Don't try to do everything yourself.
- Focus on yourself. “We've solved everyone's problems, so let's do something we haven't been able to do before,” Bojan says. “All the effort you spend on others should be used on yourself.''
We want to hear from you: How is your business?
How do you make your opinions count when it comes to friends and family? Give us your best advice, techniques, and wisdom. Email lifekit@npr.org If you include “Think about yourself” in the subject line and your full name, your answer may be featured in an article on NPR.org.
The audio portion of this episode was produced by Clare Marie Schneider. Digital story edited by Clare Marie Schneider. The visual editor is Beck Harlan. We look forward to hearing from you. Leave a voicemail at 202-216-9823 or email LifeKit@npr.org.
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